Sometimes this can last for a full day or more, and none of the two can get out of their fighting positions?
How do you get to peace, without hiding the issue under the carpet and pretending that nothing happened, and learn from the heated discussion, so it has not been a waste of energy?
During the day after the fight, both partners can have distance and perspective and see what was so sensitive from both sides. It is worth to take the time to discuss and learn. Then we are able to articulate calmly what we want from one another in the future, to avoid similar conflicts. We can set a follow up plan, where we will check in once a week to track our progress and give each other uplifting affirmations when we show that we have made improvements in our habits. If we slip, we can talk about it, and give feedback and assistance to see what else is needed in order to achieve the needed and agreed changes.
Most couples have “hot issues”, that will be triggered from time to time and cause continuous conflict if we do not talk about these thoroughly. For each time the issue is triggered, it will feel increasingly energy draining. After many years of struggling with the same issues, our body can revolt to a degree so that it feels almost an allergic like reaction. When our body speaks to us so strongly, it is a clear sign that we have to address the issue; otherwise it can even impact our health.
It is very effective to be in movement when we discuss an issue that is sensitive. Conflicts carry with them pretty heavy energy. It is easy to get stuck in destructive arguments of anger, which brings no resolution but further distance and low energy. To be in movement while talking with the aim to understand and be understood, frees the body and mind. Take a walk next time you have an important and possibly hot issue to discuss with your spouse.
My husband and I try making sure that when one person speaks, the other does not cut in before the point is finished. We have found this to be crucial to avoid escalating arguments. To be heard and understood relaxes our bodies and open our hearts and allow for re-connection and closeness.
Healthy marriages without any conflicts are rare. Experiencing conflicts from time to time are part of most intimate relationships. In order to be intimate we need to speak our mind. Sometimes when we do, it can lead to conflict, unless both individuals are good at listening, understanding, and negotiating calmly.
Most of us carry with us some sort of “baggage” from our upbringing as we enter a marriage or partnership. Some carry small, others carry big loads, from our childhood. We are often blind to see our own dysfunctional patterns, habits, and other peculiarities, because we have most likely been living under circumstances during our upbringing that brought about these habits and tendencies and we consider them normal.
Being in a good and constructive relationship where we help one another to grow can be the most effective way to heal our childhood wounds and stop unhealthy habits and patterns. If we look at conflicts this way, as an opportunity to grow, we might become less conflict averse and take the time to do the work of listening and speaking and arriving to a resolution – “to a peace with progress”.